CHOP WOOD, CARRY BABY:
Responsive Parenting as a Different Kind Of Work

Copyright (c) 2004 by Ingrid Bauer

When people first learned that I took my baby regularly to pee, rather than relying on diapers, they often commented that it sounded like an awful lot of work. This puzzled me at the time, because it seemed to me a lot less work (and much more enjoyable) than changing a baby and washing wet or poopy diapers. As well, parents who waited till their child was older and "ready" to toilet train, still seemed to spend a tremendous amount of energy for a much longer time, focusing on helping their children learn, as well as avoiding or cleaning up accidents.

In the same way, people assumed that nursing my child was more work then early weaning (fastest way I ever found to comfort a tired, cranky toddler!), or that having a child sleep with me was more difficult than getting up and stumbling into another room in the dark.

As I considered the paradox, it became apparent to me that parenting by responding to a baby's needs, is neither more nor less work in the long run. It is an entirely different kind of work, a different frame of reference altogether. The primary focus of Elimination Communication, for example, is not about cleaning up after baby, though that may still be required for a time. The focus of nursing a baby or having them sleep with you is not about efficiency, convenience or reducing childcare workload. It's not about measurable productivity or outcome. It's about relationship, something that can't really be measured in terms of time and effort, yet so often makes the many jobs a mother does worthwhile and pleasurable. It's about not disturbing the natural rhythm in the first place, so nothing need be done to fix it later. Fixing it later--now that can feel like work!

Seen superficially, Natural Infant Hygiene may seem far less convenient than conventional toilet training, since you can't just rely on leaving the baby in a wet diaper while you finish some important project. Similarly, other natural parenting practices, because they are not the norm, seem to require more effort and attention to answering your baby's needs. Yet, once we shift our attention to needs-based parenting, not responding to our baby becomes truly painful and difficult, and the "work" of parenting begins to carry an inherent pleasure that makes life more wonderful and rich.

In our culture, parenting responsively begins with this shift in perception, a different way of thinking, an embracing of a new paradigm. We embrace a way of "being" with our baby, rather than something we "do" to them. This requires a willingness to question everything we've ever believed about parenting. We're challenged to accept and trust babies' abilities to communicate about their needs and to trust ourselves to respond. We begin to let go of cultural preconceptions, open ourselves to new (yet ancient) understandings, align ourselves with the present moment, and re-affirm our desire to live co-operatively and compassionately with our children. It's as if a light goes on, illuminating something it seems we've always known.

One of the things that must shift, if we are to embrace our parenting with pleasure rather than dread, is the conventional materialistic concept of work and productivity. The real work of Natural Infant Hygiene and of responsive parenting practices in general, is that of being fully alive in the present moment. There are days when it can seem like the most difficult thing in the world to do. And there are days that flow with ease and grace, when you have glimpses of enlightenment.

Ingrid Bauer is a writer, speaker and natural child-rearing activist who lives with her partner and 3 children on an island on the West Coast of British Columbia, Canada.

This article was adapted in part from Ingrid's book "Diaper Free! The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Hygiene".

Natural Wisdom Press
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ingrid@natural-wisdom.com

Copyright 2004 (c) By Ingrid Bauer
www.naturalinfant.com