parentingwork

Being Gentle with Ourselves While Learning Natural Parenting

Regularly, I receive enthusiastic emails from parents just discovering Natural Infant Hygiene. For example, a mother may read something I've written on the Internet. Something "clicks" with her, and she writes me, interested and excited. On the first day, she has observed her infant's elimination rhythms, and already sees a signal and catches a pee! She is amazed, convinced and elated.

Then, three or four days later, she contacts me again, feeling defeated. She has missed several pees in the last few days. She is not sure she can do this, and wonders if she's bonded enough with her baby, or whether this can even work in our society. She is using diapers part-time and worries this will harm her baby and the process. Should she quit?

I am always both saddened and surprised by how many mothers think they should "get it" the very first day or week they practice Natural Infant Hygiene. Some moms do, of course. But it's rare. For most, the process is gradual and takes several weeks, or even months, similar to developing a comfortable and secure breastfeeding relationship. Some mothers also need time to learn how to use a sling in ways which baby appreciates, or how to get a good night's sleep with a little body snuggled close.

We tend to forget that mothers who have seen babies parented in these ways all their lives have a definite learning edge over most of us in this culture, who have not grown up surrounded by diaper-free babies, nursing toddlers and co-sleeping children. Almost surely, we were parented very differently ourselves.

The temptation can be great to perceive in these responsive parenting practices yet another opportunity for parental stress and guilt, another place to fall short of the mark. We certainly don't need another one of those! It is important that we learn to be very gentle with ourselves as parents, as gentle as we wish to be with our babies. In the strength of this gentleness and acceptance, we can strive forward to debunk the myths and half-truths and rediscover our instinctive resources for parenting.

What few first-time parents who are using Natural Infant Hygiene realise, for example, is that even conventional training of a toddler takes longer than a few days. Books that describe toilet training as effortless if you wait "long enough" present a simplistic and inaccurate picture. Studies and articles on the many complications of conventional training, and extended incontinence, abound in pediatric literature. Even the "easy" scenarios don't happen overnight.

According to one large scale study, the "active" phase of conventional toilet training (the phase where the parent is actively sharing information and the toddler or pre-school child is learning about pottying) lasts anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months. Though there have been no studies on this aspect of Natural Infant Hygiene, I think it's reasonable for a modern parent to allow herself at least this much time to begin to "get" it.

Nor is it unreasonable for it to take even longer, especially for a mom for whom mothering is new, who may feel doubts about the process, or who has many distractions and stress in her life. By the way, although the active phase of conventional toilet training usually takes under three months, the average time for completing the process (reaching a point of minimal "accidents") for a conventionally trained toddler is eight months, according to one study. This might help put things in perspective. And mothers who bottle-feed or have their babies sleeping in separate rooms also struggle with fatigue and insecurities.

Like all parenting lessons, caring for our infants responsively takes time, patience, commitment, and practice. Initially, I sometimes held my son in position when he didn't need to go, and missed when he did. Sometimes I thought he needed to nurse when he really wanted more movement, or vice versa. Gradually I developed a deeper understanding, based on observing his signals and patterns and heeding my intuition. I found this awareness developed surprisingly quickly when I listened. The challenge then, and the greatest learning opportunity, was to trust it fully, and to act on it promptly.

Remember: You do not have to be totally tuned into your baby to begin parenting responsively. You only need to be open and willing to learn. As homeschooling advocate John Holt pointed out, "We learn to do something by doing it. There is no other way".

Communication and confidence develops as an inevitable consequence of the practice of responsive parenting, rather than being a prerequisite condition. You don't need expertise to begin, just a clear and gentle willingness to try.

Ingrid Bauer is a writer, speaker, NVC practitioner and responsive child-rearing activist
who lives with her partner and children on an island on the West Coast of British Columbia, Canada.

This article was adapted, in part and with changes, from Ingrid's book
"Diaper Free! The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Hygiene".

Natural Wisdom Press
115 Forest Ridge Road
Saltspring Island, BC V8K 1W4 Canada
1-888-661-5545
ingrid@natural-wisdom.com